This post is specially devoted to people who’ve been struggling to find that one person who is compatible with them. To be fair this situation is very common everywhere, all around the world. That’s why I decided to give it extra attention and finally give a few of my notes to the subject a maybe to help some of you out of this maze of confusion.
There are a lot of different ways to look at relationships and this blog post is far from comprehensive guide it is merely one single aspect to consider when it comes to choosing your partner but nonetheless very important one!
So let’s dive in.
As I have come to understand one of the biggest reasons why people struggle to find a person who would be compatible with them is that people actually don’t really know what they want. They have no idea to be fair.
Now let’s forget about who you are for one second and let’s concentrate purely on what you want. Who is it? What a person you want to be with would be like?
You can take a piece of paper and write your own answers to this question, I assure you, doing so would be very helpful for you in your future.
Now. I already did mine and I would like to share it with you. Maybe we can compare and give each other some ideas (if you want to share your ideas with me feel free to write an email to me down below. I’ll make sure, I’ll read it.)
So when it comes to qualities I personally would look for in my partner it would be these:
- Being physically attractive
- Having a TRUE CONFIDENCE
- Being comfortable with your own sexuality
When it comes to Physical attraction, it has two mostly two sources: genes and social conditioning. Our genes tell us to find a partner who is first of all HEALTHY and then who to combine our genes with to ensure the best survival for our children. Social conditioning is what society tells us should be attractive, which has a certain degree of influence but it varies strongly when it comes to time and place and in my personal opinion sometimes has little to no effect at all depending on the individual. (I decided not to go very deep when it comes to this part of the topic, my plan is to address this in a standalone post in near future.)
You may have noticed that in a second point talking about true confidence I used capital letters and there is a reason for it. I merely wanted to emphasize the importance of this trait when it comes to choosing your partner. Because obviously, you will always listen to what your body tells you about who is physically attractive to you but still choosing a partner who lacks a true confidence can be a detrimental decision in your life which can lead to a lot of stress, mental pain and ultimately to an unhappy relationship and life for both of you.
Here I am going to explain to you why you really want only people with the true confidence to be present in your life and your lover should be no exception. Let’s have a look at what being a person with true confidence really mean.
Being a person who has TRUE CONFIDENCE is based on these fundamental believes you carry inside of you. You are operating from a position of:
Operating from a position of self-love means you love your life. It means you know what you love to do and you deserve to be happy. It means you know you deserve the best and therefore you can give that level of love to everyone around you. You can’t give it to others if you don’t know what it is. That’s why self-love is a necessary stepping stone to any love for any other being, no exceptions. A person who doesn’t love himself cannot give you love, he cannot give you something he doesn’t have or doesn’t know or doesn’t feel. He is just trying to fill the void he has inside of himself.
Operating from a position of self-trust means you know you can do anything in life. It’s ability to do your own decisions in life and live with their consequences. It means you know what your true intentions are and you live by them. You are not ashamed of them you have accepted yourself no matter who you are or who you want to be. Self-trust also implies honesty. A person who trusts himself and others has absolutely no reason to fear anybody. You trust yourself that you will overcome anything that comes to your life that opens up a possibility to trust others. You see without self-trust there is no trust for others. If you trust yourself and take full responsibility for your actions there no reason to lie at all. You know you are a responsible one, the one who chooses to react to life. If you know you will react just fine you can ease up, no need for stress or tension. Everything is going to be fine. Ultimately self-trust destroys fear in our life. Number one happiness killer in the world. Acting from a position of self-trust means you no longer operate from a position of fear. It means you don’t have opinions based on fear. It means you have the guts to use your creativity and intelligence to solve problems in your life. It means you are open to taking critics because you know it cannot really hurt you just improve your life.
Operating from a position of self-respect means there are just some things you would not accept when it comes to how people are treating you. It means you have a line in your life. It means you have boundaries. It means there is nothing a person can offer you to compromise yourself. It means you are not easily manipulated because you know what you stand for. It means you consider everyone to be equal because your self-respect creates respect for others. Self-respect means you don’t need to prove yourself or anything to anybody to gain respect. You already have it for yourself. You don’t need to rush you just do what you want to do. You don’t need to show off. You don’t need to seek the attention or validation in others. It means your happiness is in your hands and do not put this responsibility on anybody else but you.
So to summarize it TRUE CONFIDENCE means you have a mental frame that is healthy and balanced. A person with the mental frame that supports the well-being of himself and people around him.
There is also something I call False Confidence. It is a situation where an individual feels his own lack of True Confidence and he is trying to overcompensate it by seeking it in the outside world. Everything that person with false confidence does is he is trying to project himself as a person with true confidence on the outside to get the benefits of a confident person or get the confidence by seeking approval from others. I am talking about attention seekers and validation seekers, people who talk to way too much just to prove themselves in the society. People who make their decisions of fear rather than an expression of their self-love. Decisions on scarcity. “If I don’t TAKE for myself from others, there is going to be nothing left” is based on a fear mentality and a lack of self-trust and trust for others. Lack of self-respect leads to the creation of an ego. Ego is a mental model where you build your personality based on your fears and lack of trust in yourself as an overcompensation. If a person looks like he’s got it all together and he believes in himself but, he doesn’t respect you or he doesn’t trust you or he doesn’t treat you with love, these are all the signs of his confidence being fake. He doesn’t trust himself, therefore, he cannot trust others. He doesn’t respect himself, therefore, he cannot have a level of understanding of what respect is for others. And lastly, if he doesn’t love himself he cannot understand the depth of what love so he cannot give something he does not understand.
The last thing I mentioned was being comfortable with your own sexuality. To explain this part I need to address few biological facts here. We as species are sexual. Our need to be sexual is one of the strongest biological drives of any species on this planet and the human race is not an exception. A person who rejects this rejects part of himself. As a human being after survival, the replication is the strongest urge or need we carry within our DNA. So we can say for us to have sex is a perfectly natural thing to do. As much as we can. I am not evoking here to do more sex that you feel like of course. Only thing I say is if you do feel like having a sex a lot there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and it is absolutely natural. For example, when it comes to men part of the energy we create within our bodies by eating food goes directly to our sexual energy and to sexual drive. This energy accumulates every once in a while and needs to be released by having sex. There is nothing to do about it, just to accept it as a fact. It’s part of being a human. Similarly part of energy women creates from eating food goes into the process of maturing eggs within the reproductive organs of their own. What happens when man builds up his testosterone to a certain level is that it makes him feel the urge to find a female and mate with her. Also female has a similar urge to do the same thing during her ovulation and specifically looks for the presence of testosterone in her mating candidates. A person who embraces this can align his life with it so he’s not in resistance to his biological needs. He can let his energy flow without restriction that would cause a deprivation of his needs. Of course, you can voluntarily decide to go against this urge of yours but the problem is energy is energy. Accumulation proceeds. We know from physics it cannot be created or destroyed so at some point it will have to go somewhere. Therefore a person who accepts this can see the world as a gift in which nature itself leads us to unite our bodies in a physical sense in this beautiful ritual as a part of the cycle of life. To give the energy to create life and preserve life itself and we are the part of it.
Now let’s move on a bit here.
One of the biggest truths I have discovered recently is that you do not attract what you WANT, you attract what you ARE. So let me say this one more time just to make sure this is going to sink in with you properly.
YOU DO NOT ATTRACT WHAT YOU WANT, YOU ATTRACT WHAT YOU ARE.
And please don’t take my word for it, almost anybody I know who has a name in the psychology field believes this to be true. There is a very subtle social science behind it. (I want to address this in a standalone post later on.)
So if you are attracting a specific kind of people into your life over and over it is time to stand in front of a mirror and find out who you really are.
(Of course, you can be a perfect projection of somebody you want to be with but that’s not usually the case and if you are meeting wrong people all the time I can assure you there is something to be adjusted on yourself first.)
Now it’s important to understand that this is by no means any kind of blame game. We all do what we can, and we really try to be our best and we have to accept the fact we are ALL LEARNING HERE.
Our every relationship we have is here to give us two lessons. One about what you really want and second about who you really are.
So learn and learn as much as you can more lessons you take from each experience faster you grow as a person.
I encourage you to experiment as much as you can to go on a journey to find your partner by getting as much experience as you can.
Just make sure You are the person you want to date.